27-02-08

De week waarin ik mijn gedacht zeg over mode

I don’t mean to moan, people, but I’ve got to get something off my chest. You see, I cannot help but think there's a conspiracy going on in the fashion industry. A conspiracy to uglify women.

Let me try and explain by tackling four present-day fashion statements I truly abhor: skinny jeans, shapeless and baggy dresses, leggings, and miniskirts.

Skinny jeans
No and I repeat no woman who’s over twenty (that’s years or kilos) looks good in skinny jeans. These clingy trousers are as big a fashion crime as National Health glasses were. They shorten your legs, emphasize love handles, and they make you walk funny. More than that, every respectable doctor will tell you that skinny jeans are a health hazard; they can contribute to yeast infections and varicose veins.
And they can explode after a meal.
There is just not one thing to like about skinny jeans. I remember one time in the eighties when wearing skinny jeans without being mocked, was the prerogative of hardrock-fans. Whoever in his or her right mind thought that now, at the beginning of the twenty-first century, the timing was perfect to kidnap skinny jeans from their natural owners and bombard them to a worldwide fashion statement? Hellooo!


Shapeless dresses
The female body is a wonderful creation. It’s curvaceous, sensual and soft. Its beauty is unsurpassed. So I tell you, the fashion designer who came up with baggy dresses must have been one misogynistic guy. I mean, even the most gorgeous curves in the world are completely lost underneath a dress that might have served some soldiers very well as a tent.
Someone should get tortured for this invention. Not even a splendid handbag can save a dress that makes all women look pregnant and ugly at the same time. But come to think of it, there is one benefit to shapeless dresses. They are just great for kleptomaniacs! Think about the cargo that can be stuffed underneath a tent dress. So shopkeepers, join forces with us against baggy dresses! You will stop losing money, and we will stop losing our temper.


Leggings
It actually hurt my fingers to type that word. Let’s try it again: l-aw-e-aw-g-aaaw-g-stopitplease-i-nonono-n-mercy!-g-thehorror!-s. My God, I’ll need a week to recover from that. If I ever do.
But let’s consider this. Do you remember the time when only athletes and ballerinas wore leggings, to keep their muscles warm while working out? Leggings were no fashion statement back then. They just served a purpose for a particular group of people. Then Flashdance came out, and we all got a bit crazy and maybe for a year or so when we were 15 or 16 with our brains still developing, we got a bit wild and wore a pair of leggings to a party or so. It all seemed perfectly okay. That is, until we turned twenty and realized that sometimes fashion is crap and that leggings will basically always be crap. It’s a general truth, along with the law of gravity.
We should erase the word legging from the dictionary and from fashion history. And if anyone should ever re-invent leggings, let’s only hope we are wise enough to institutionalize that person before he does any more harm.


Miniskirts
I’m afraid fashion designers don’t know much about human anatomy. Surely they all know about that joint in the middle of our leg called the knee. But has someone ever told them that women’s knees start to sag after the age of, say 32? And that therefore it is a cruel thing to declare miniskirts the next hot thing?
If I remember correctly, it was Demi Moore who got so self-conscious about her saggy knees, that she got knee lift surgery. See what the emphasis on miniskirts can do to a perfectly lovely looking woman? It's a shame.
Anyway, miniskirts are a much too flimsy subject to devote too much attention to. Let's just leave them to girls with perky knees and teens with brains that are still under construction. They should enjoy miniskirts while they can, 'cause we women, we know that the Big Pull will spare no one.


Katrien

16:49 Gepost door Katrien in Algemeen | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

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